I Despise the Sun
by R Junkie
Summary: What’s a sunrise when one does not wish to see another day? Subaru-centric


Disclaimer: I do not own Subaru, Kamui nor his school tie darn it!

"I Despise the Sun" is Copyrighted to Raven Karasu

Timeline: X Volume 18

Many thanks to Raven and the rest of the family, Sohma Risa and Ina-Chan for their input.

* * *

I Despise the Sun…

A lone figure watched the pale light rays invade the dark horizon. Soon, a new day would start and the people of this broken Tokyo would begin their daily routines amongst the wreckage and death of yesterday, and the promise of life filled with naïve hope.

A brand new day.

New and old life. Birth and death.

Subaru has long since been dead.

_I despise the sun_

9 long years.

Subaru had resented his existence for as long as he could remember.

Born into strict obligation and tradition. What he remembered of his early days was a sense of dread and overwhelming responsibility.

He never brought those thoughts to light. He never wanted to burden others with his thoughts and feelings.

So he embraced the life that was chosen for him, and after what seemed like a lifetime of solitude and duty, there was a year so wonderful that it surely must've been a dream.

The beautiful dream ended with a malicious betrayal that left him mangled.

Shattered.

Cold.

Dead.

And now, solitude once again.

Agonizing, heart wrenching solitude that left him more numb and broken with each passing day.

No longer a Dragon of Heaven; his humanity was irreparable.

_"I have no Interest in the future of mankind."_

Because all he wanted was death.

_I despise the sun_

_That does not bring me to you…_

During that precious year, Subaru had looked forward to every sunrise. And everyday.

He had no such desires today.

Everyday only meant another 24 hours of… nothing.

Did he even sleep? He didn't know. As the hours passed by, all he knew that he was still alive.

A heart that beat but did not feel.

A body that moved but did not exist.

In the past, his life was a struggle day in and out for humanity.

For normalcy.

Powers beyond the comprehension of others cursed him, every minute of everyday.

A lifetime of feeling for others; the same ones who would shun him.

Yet, even with all the suffering, a new day had meant another chance.

He was such a fool.

It was much too late now.

Too late.

_I despise the sun_

_That brings forth a new day… _

_Without you…_

It seemed like his reward was severance from the only people who ever accepted him.

Why did the ones he loved have to die?

The ones who loved him. Whether in truth or façade.

Loneliness was an eternal curse. One that ached and festered until it swallowed him whole.

_Without you… _

_I am a soulless cadaver…_

Subaru often thought of his sister, and her last wish.

Sometimes he'd cry bitter tears for her loss and sacrifice.

Sometimes he'd hate her for sentencing him to life. For forcing him to wake everyday, wishing for death. For making him realize all his faults and more.

He blamed himself, every hour of everyday. For being naïve and weak.

For being selfish.

His selfishness ate away at him.

He was one not worthy of her faith. He was the one who should've been killed.

Her sacrifice was for naught, because he had always been dead.

_A decayed... desolate corpse... _

_Barren of life…_

With the bet over, Seishiro disappeared for 9 years.

Subaru was Ignored.

9 long bitter years.

The marks on his hands spoke of his sealed fate.

The empty space beside him where Hokuto should've been.

The heart that betrayed him by refusing to hate, a lost and ailing heart.

While his mind obsessed with the past, his powers were to determine the future.

Subaru had nothing to live for except for his wish.

Each sunrise then brought forth a struggle for love and hate. Between duty and desires.

They often clashed, just as a pair of mismatched eyes did.

And Subaru had often wished for death.

_Continuation… hollow…_

_Subsistence… absent..._

Seishiro was gone. It was not what Subaru wanted at all.

But, his blood was on Subaru's hands.

And Subaru's wish was stolen from him.

He would often think about his love's last words, and how they constantly mocked him.

_"You can't kill anyone…because you're too kind."_

Then why?

_"Subaru Kun…"_

Then why had he been left with such a task?

_"I…you…"_

Why had his dear sister left him, then made him a murderer?

He had killed them both.

As they did him.

_Forlorn as the bleak sky…_

Another day.

A new day.

A new day for Tokyo meant another victory over the Dragons of Earth.

But…

_I despise the sun…_

Strange how the dawn symbolized life and dreams for the people.

The notion was familiar. He might've had similar believes back then.

_Decadent rays of warmth… Frigid as ice..._

Now, even the hottest summer day could not warm him.

_Deceiving fervor of the dawn…_

And the pretense of hope and life that the sunrise brought forth was empty.

_Enrapture… devoid of you…_

As empty as his decaying spirit.

When will it end?

_Does not subsist…_

And amongst the raw ache of his dying soul, Subaru thought of Kamui sometimes.

Sometimes, he would feel the fragments of what was once his heart clench at the thought of that poor lonely boy who resembled what he once was.

A boy whose destiny dictated that he be miserable for the rest of his life while humanity celebrated its survival.

A boy who carried the weight of the world; the lives, wishes and dreams of millions of unknown faces.

A boy who had to choose between his responsibility and his heart.

Each day was another struggle to keep up the fight.

To save the world and himself.

He was no good for Kamui. He would only drag him down.

Drown him.

He was too self-centered to give a damn anymore.

His betrayal would surely upset Kamui, but there's no way for everyone to be happy.

With everything Subaru had done. He knew that he could not be happy.

Happiness was nothing but a farfetched fantasy.

One that he clearly did not deserve.

So, as Subaru proceeded to fulfill the wishes of his loved ones, to live and to murder…

…Keeping his hollow shell of a body moving…

…No longer was there a trace of anything…

…A heart and soul so mangled that Subaru could not decipher anything anymore…

He waited.

_I despise the sun…_

A new day for him was merely a means to an end.

Fulfilling another duty he had no power, nor will to refuse.

He waited.

Was he even alive?

He couldn't tell anymore.

_I despise the sun…_

_Which brings a forsaken sunrise…_

A piece of him died with each day. With each kill. With each glance in a mirror.

With each reminder of the past.

A new day meant life for humanity, but death for his victims and for himself.

Duty had followed him even in death.

Why should he save humanity at the price of his own?

_Another daybreak of solitude…_

Solitude was a luxury now. His only companions were the marks on his hands.

A constant reminder of his failures. A constant reminder of his responsibility.

They were his beloved curse.

He merely existed now.

Living as he was dying.

He would fulfill the tasks he was given. For Hokuto and Seishiro.

And while memories were all he had left, he would cling to them. He would bury himself in the past and hope that the future would fulfill his new wish.

If he was lucky, he would soon whither away where the sun's cold rays would never hurt him again.

Subaru wished this to be his last sunrise.

_I despise the sun…_


End file.
